Running With The Big Kids

So, I am heading over there this afternoon. I am heading over because I begged to. Just sitting here I can picture the look on his face when I asked. He has won and he knows it. Friday night's scene was good but fairly tame. I thought I would get off a bit and then come home and be fine for a week or two. I am pretty sure he knew otherwise. I feel all at once out of my depth - WAY out of my depth - and I love it.

I do not have a safe word. It has been bothering me a little. I have not sat down and had that conversation with him. I have tried really hard not to sit and have that conversation with him, in fact. Yesterday (in the midst of my begging for him to see me) I decided I was going to step up and demand to have that conversation.

I don't know what I expected from him, but his immediate agreement turned me inside out.

I knew going there, always, that I was safe. I knew that it would be difficult but I trusted - always - that he knew what he was doing, how far to push me, when to ease up. I was right.

This added piece of the puzzle, this conversation, is serious business. This is running with the big kids. I am now invested, committed and tied into this in ways that I can't even begin to fathom yet. I cannot explain the complexity of emotion that arises in me. Terror and thrill and desire consumes me. I feel the fullness of what I am asking cascade down upon me. I am giving myself over.

Sir has played well. He has been patient and sat back, waiting, knowing, watching me struggle against the bonds I did not realise were already present. Waiting for the calm. Waiting for me to come to him. He was quiet when it was needed, firm when required but the whole time, every second of every minute from our very first conversation he has coaxed, solicited, persuaded and baited me - all to bring me here.

I got up this morning, made lunches, dropped my husband at work, tended the kids, threw up, packed my bag of things that Sir has requested and now, once again, I sit waiting.