This one friend whom I love very much, I told him we had negotiated an open relationship. He looked at me and smiled. "So he took it well then?" I hugged him. How is it he knew me so well as to never question that it was me not my husband pulling us in this direction?
So I had a moment.
I was outside hanging washing when I felt panic surge through me. I cannot take this back. I cannot not ever take this away from our relationship. My relationship with my husband will forever have this in it, whether we continue to choose this lifestyle or not I have done this and there is a no returns policy.
I could hear the voice of God thundering down from the clouds "What have you done?"
Luckily the moment passed as all moments do.
It is blissful. My life feels so good. I am a whole person again...
piece by piece I can feel myself unraveling. I feel the burning need to see Him. I feel my temper growing short. I can feel the distance between myself and the world expanding. I need what He has.
I was yesterday a raging mess of emotion. I spoke with Him and in those moments the world stopped churning and I was back again. I do not like Him very much but when he speaks it calms me. He is trying his best to create me, strangely I think He is trying to create me into what I want to be (regardless of the fact that He wants it too). I feel myself fighting it, wanting it, fighting, wanting, needing. I wonder what it feels like to be in His shoes.
He set out rules for me yesterday. I have never much liked rules, let alone stuck to them. I must refer to him as Sir. I must not make eye contact with Him unless directed. I must bow my head even when I think about Him. I must not cum, must not have sex unless permission is granted.
The twist is that I must now write a list of my own punishments. It is so salacious. I have been thinking about it a lot. I must get them to Him before midday today and I don't know where to start. I think about punishments and my eyes glaze just a touch. I can feel my chest grow tight and my heart beat faster. Where to begin?
I wonder when I will grow tired of this particular game.
I will keep ontop of my updates now and make them less retrospective. I do have a bit to fill in from the previous two weeks still and I will do that but will stay more current.