Friday

I am not a good girl

Sir asked me to come to him tonight. Actually he demanded it.

I cannot.

I feel sick and nervous and scared. I am so torn. This is not who I am.

I have nothing tonight. No resilience.
I feel tears burning behind my eyes, sobs choking my throat. If I went tonight I would break. I don't know if I am ready to do that. Tonight I need comfort and kindness. I know that staying here, being here I will not get it. I think perhaps I would get it if I went to him, not in the way I want but perhaps in the way I need. This heightened emotional response is new for me. I do not want to be in a space where my emotions are there and raw. This is not what I wanted from this. The physicality I was prepared for. The headfuck I was not - am not. This is not who I am.

I feel the desperate desire to see him. I expected it to take the form of my cunt slick and throbbing. I expected my breasts to be full and heavy with want, my nipples hard, expectant. I cannot abide the fact that this is not how it is playing out. I feel it in my chest. It is in my chest where my fullest emotions lie quiet and undisturbed. My body he can take. My pain I give him willingly. My tears of frustration, sobs of pain I reluctantly surrender. My sorrow and emotional torment, weeping as a child weeps are mine alone. The torture, honest torture of wanting him to to see that, to rip it open astounds me, horrifies me, paralyzes me. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do.

This is not who I am.

I do not feel ready for this. This is too much, too fast. I am still fighting, still wanting this on my terms. I am not a good girl.

I crave it but not tonight. Tonight I am not ready.


1 comment:

Heaven said...

I remember when I felt this way with M. It was harder once I moved in with him to hide those emotions but the desire never gets weaker. It will always get stronger. If you trust your Sir then give him the most precious gift a sub or slave can give ... your complete surrender. Believe me ... it really helps!!

*Hugs*
Humbly His,
Heaven

P.S. Glad I stumbled across your blog you are so honest with your feelings. Please feel free to check out my blog and follow along with my journey as well!!!