How I could possibly live with myself

So...that post about my husband has been brewing a while, no? "Anonymous" put up several comments regarding my choices and I found it all so intriguing that I decided it was worthy of a post. For future reference A-Non, just pop your name on your comment. I won't bite (unless asked) and I really don't mind if you don't agree with me. I am glad you feel strongly enough to leave a comment and all of it is food for thought.

The first part, the regret part I will freely admit that regret is a possibility. Not a likely one as I don't really live in that mindset, however, I will offer it up to you. To be honest the effect of this on my life and marriage has been immense. My husband and I separated for a time last year and our relationship has always been quite tenuous and volatile, the volatility spawned through apathy, rather than passionate outbursts. Having lived through both I can say with certainty that apathy is far more insidious, a beast. We do not live there anymore.

As for his self confidence, it was always something which concerned me, until I looked at him and truly saw who he was. He has no need to be needy or jealous. He knows everything that is going on for me and I him because we talk incessantly about every aspect we can possibly think of. He is quietly self assured. He would have to be, knowingly sending his wife out to be fucked by someone else. He knows I come home to him. He knows I love him. This process has done nothing but allow me to see more fully the man that he is.

This is not a whim of mine where I woke up and met someone and decided to see if we could open up our marriage so I could have a quick root. We (my husband and I) have been together more than seven years (seven-year-itch anyone?) and have known each other for more than fifteen. From the very start of our relationship my then boyfriend knew what he was getting himself in for. It was in part what he desired about me. We talked about adding additional people to our bedroom from the very start and eventually talked about opening up our relationship.

From the get go we both knew that one day it would be on the cards at some point in our future. We have both agreed to it many, many times.

I guess it has something to do with the way we view sex. I asked him what his comment was. He said "Gees, its just sex..."

In that respect I guess he is wrong because the D/s is not just about sex. That however is an added dynamic for him. He looks at me and says I could never have that sort of sex with you. I know he couldn't either - that is probably why I am married to him and not to a sadistic, dominating, prick (sorry, Sir). For him it is easier (yes we talk about all of this all the time) to know that I am going out to see Sir than it would be to think that I was going out to pick a random person up at a bar to just have some beige-vanilla-sex. That, he said, would be harder for him to deal with. He accepts that I have these desires and needs which he has no desire to participate in but still wishes for me to have them met - because he loves me.

I was terrified the other day on the way to see Sir. I messaged my husband. He messaged back, "All part of your life's journey. Enjoy it!".

This newness in our relationship has made it possible for me to see a future with him that I had doubt in before. I see his commitment to me every day. I know he sees it the same way. I am not asking for anyone to make the same choices but right now, for us, this is working beyond anything that either of us could possibly have foreseen. I accept that many people will not see what we choose as "right" but it is - for us.

I sat down and had a conversation with him where I said I was concerned about him agreeing to this because it was what I wanted, not what he wanted. He said to me that he admired me, that I was courageous, that it was what he wanted too, he just didn't know if he could follow through with it in the way I had and that he was glad I had done it because of what it has given us. Everyday we seek to prove ourselves to each other anew. To make sure the other loves and adores us. This has been the best thing we have done for our relationship.

Do not mistake me for being disrespectful - sitting having honest conversations with the people I love shows nothing but honour and respect. Do not mistake my husband for a weak man, so lacking in self-confidence he would agree to this despite loathing it. He is one of the strongest men I know.