Breathing It In

My body burns like fire. I sit here trying to think of what to write but the words don't come. I can only feel the emotion coursing through me as I try to remember yesterday. It is framed as if far off in the distance, too long ago to recreate. All I am left with are shining shards of pain and bliss.

I left Sir and picked up my children, collecting on my way a friend to come for dinner. More people arrived and I cooked and drank tea. I felt quiet. I felt all of a sudden as though I were falling through the floor. I needed him. I wanted Sir. I messaged him, he replied. I was all at once okay. I felt needy and awful - both unfamiliar to me.

My husband came in. He brushed his lips on mine, looked down, deep into me and smiled a half smile, questioning wordlessly whether I was okay. We sat and ate and drank, laughed and talked. I could see him burning to know, to see, to understand. Eventually our guests departed, children bathed and in bed. I lay on the couch, half sleeping, he rubbed my feet and asked me to recount my afternoon. I was not in the frame of mind.

I showered while he worked for a while. I lay face down on our bed and called him in. He was horrified. He tells me he doesn't understand. Softly I explain to him small pieces as he rubs arnica (which I highly recommend for bruises) and calendula (for healing) into my back and arse.

I tell him fragments. I tell him that I cried.

Sir said yesterday that I love crying. That it turns me on. I thought about it. It does not. What turns me on is that he can take me to that space where I cry and hold me there. The crying itself I do not like.

There was a moment yesterday where I was crying, sobbing actually. He was whipping my back. He has a knack for hitting right in the same spot, over and over. He leaned down and rubbed my back, soothed it. Then he started again. I loved it. I loved in the moments where it was not so hard but hard enough and I felt I could just go on forever, breathing it in.

Then there are the moments when I back my car out of the driveway and I know I am never going back. I know for that second that I do not want this, that I will not be back here. Then it shifts to won't be back for a long time, or at least a while and before I am home I am ready to turn around drive back.

My husband does not understand. He tries. I am amazed at him, so in love with him. I cannot believe how fortunate I am to have someone love me enough to give me this, without understanding it, because I want it.

Today I relish the pain, I love it. I love that every movement, every stretch and turn I feel it. In my bound nipples Sir makes himself known to me. Stops me from falling through to desperation, holding me up through my pain and obedience.

My phone sounds and I jump, literally running to the other end of the house to get it. I know it is Sir. I am waiting for his message. In that moment I forget the pain in my breasts, the bruised assault on my back, the tenderness in my arse. I run like a child runs to a sprinkler on a hot summer day, with joy and forgetting and in that moment there is nothing else.

I think somehow that my husband is amused by all of this, perhaps morbidly fascinated is a more accurate turn of phrase. The most glorious moments are coming home to him. Him caring for me, loving me and the exquisite pain of him rubbing - firmly - into the whip marks left by Sir only hours before.


Anonymous said...

I read your blog, listen to your speak of your love for your husband and honestly I can't see it. I highly think you will live to regret this.

Just a Taste said...

Thank you for your comment. Perhaps I will. I would have also lived to regret not doing this though. I know that right now our relationship is better, more alive and happier than it has ever been...hrm I think, perhaps that I will write up a post in response to this! Food for thought!

Anonymous said...

What about what it does for his self confidence?

All I seen in your reply was a heap of 'I'. It's selfish on your part, and honestly I am open minded but i find your respect for your family and husband sickening.

Just a Taste said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just a Taste said...

I appreciate your concern and have shared some of them myself - very interesting. I am half way through my response but in the meantime you can check out Sadie's blog and news articles on the topic here

It just so happens her latest post exactly answers you question!

Anonymous said...

Ummm, firstly it is her blog, so I would be guessing that there would be a lot of "I"s in it as she is merely sharing her end of her experience. Second, from what I can gather, her husband is aware of all of this, reads her blog and supports her and has made a choice to enter this lifestyle willingly with her.

I guess it all depends on the constrictions and parameters as individuals we place on our relationships. I don't see why, if both her and her husband are happy, it should bother you.

Oh, and I am always on the look out for sentences that start with "I am open minded but...."

Just a Taste said...

Come on kids! People are free here to express their concerns. PLUS it has inspired me to really delve into that and the post is is coming....

Heaven said...

Hi Hun!!!

I think its wonderful for you that your husband loves you and gives you his blessing to go spend time with your Sir. I love that he helps care for you in the aftermath of the scene that you had with your Sir. It shows just how much he loves you and it also shows how much character he has. I think that if he didn't want you to have this then he wouldn't help you with the creams and such for your bruises. Perhaps he does enjoy the caring for you part. Maybe some time you could invite him to see what these sessions are like. Maybe if he sees the scene itself and what it does for you he would understand better.

Humbly His,

Reece said...

I am curious as to why people would anonymously leave comments challenging your choices. This blog solely exists as a vehicle in which you explore your desire for a D/s relationship outside the bounds of your marriage. I find it well written, thoughtful and it gives me incredible insight into the way you think and feel. I enjoy it immensely and I thank you for being bold enough to share the journey.

Kate said...

Anonymous, I know JaT and Mr JaT. I don't have this kind of relationship with my husband, and I found this concept rather confronting, too. I still don't totally understand, but it's not my job to either judge or understand. :)

I will say, though, that JaT was definitely in a very bad place last year, and she's right that apathy is poison to a relationship. She was so apathetic that I suspected the relationship was doomed. :( And I understand that Mr JaT wasn't happy, either.

I can only be supportive of anything which makes both of them happier, and contributes to the health of their relationship, because they're very special people. :) I believe she's far more concerned about his feelings now than she was before embarking on this adventure.