Guilt

I feel quiet at the moment.

I have had a very intense few days spurred on by my recent transgressions. It is always hard to tell where I sit. Hard to tell exactly how much trouble I am in. I am getting the feeling it is quite a lot.

The thing that I realised when I messaged him to tell him what I had done initially was that he was really caring for me, helping me, keeping me safe. In an instant I saw it. I knew he was going to be mad. I had to tell him anyway. I had to tell him so he knew that I knew. So that I could show him I understood, that I was grateful for his care and that I saw it for what it was.

It is also hard to talk about because I don't have any privacy on here. The people I want to whinge about, cry about, scream at are all on here (if sporadically) reading my stuff and to be honest I wish they wouldn't so I could say what I want. Today I want them all to stop reading and leave me alone in my little blog. Yes, that means YOU! You know who you are. I think perhaps this was inspired somewhat by sfp's post on blogging privacy...I think she is leading a sub-revolt. We are all about to picket our Masters, Doms and Sirs and demand some private thinking space. I think perhaps it would be a short protest.

I cried at the weekend. Yes, me. For those of you who do know me (and I am hoping you haven't stopped reading - it was just a whinge, I didn't mean it) you will know that this is a rare feat. The fact that I cried because I felt genuinely like I had done the wrong thing is even more bizarre. I didn't feel guilty, it doesn't somehow seem to do it justice. I felt at the very core of myself that I had been...I don't know...I can't express it so I shan't try.

I had big discussions with my husband. Those sort of conversations that run deep. Stuff that hangs around in your relationship, sometimes in the middle, sometimes on the edges but that is always there, lurking. It feels a little like we are starting to wade through some of it.

I had big conversations with my mother, with my father, with my in-laws and kids. All and all it has just been a loooong few days. I feel like everyone has been storing up their serious mind-ramblings to throw at me all in the two days where I felt least able to handle it.

I guiltily spoke with Sir. He is dealing with way too much at the moment to be bothering himself with this stuff. I copped an earful. His genuine anger unsettled me. A few breathless minutes of ashamed remorse after our conversation, I started to come back down. I started to feel a little more human. After three days of feeling wholly awful it was a huge relief. It was done. Almost done. I still have to go and see him and I think I will be feeling a little more remorse in those moments...