The hum in the background

The best is yet to come as they say. I was very much aspiring to live in that world. Waiting for everything to be perfect to start my life, my real life. Waiting until I had more money, lost some weight, my husband was better, my children were happier and then I would step into myself, grab my life by the balls and jump. The writing was on the wall - here lies me, died with my potential intact! Never did anything, was always waiting for the right time.

I have done a thousand courses on self-improvement, you name it and I have read the book, looking for the answer. My most recent course has had a profound impact on my life but not in the way I had anticipated.

I sat through days of forums on uncomfortable chairs, endless hours of meetings and bit by bit things started to unravel. I started out with an awful husband and ended realising my husband had an awful wife. Started being nice and good and living through expectations, both that I placed on myself and that I perceived from others (whether true or not) and ended being honest. Started with a lot of career aspirations and no career and ended moving rapidly towards, well, towards being an active participant in my own life!

There was always something missing though. I just could not put my finger on it (so to speak).

I sat in one of my many, many night time meetings and was complaining again, half joking to my group about my husband when the man in front (who had evidently be listening in to my conversations and was a trainer) turned to me and said "Meet me outside at the end of the session. You need to talk to me."

At the end of a very long evening I met with him outside. It was cold and I smoked his last cigarette (I don't really smoke but, well, you know). He looked at me and said "You know, you are a demanding bitch". He was right. He told me I would call him the next night and he would take one hour to unravel me, transform me, create me. He asked me if I was scared of him. I wasn't. Yet.