I have been very quiet for a long while.
Many things have happened.
Life is good.
And then I find myself back here.
It is good to catch up on where people are at, to read sin's wonderfully witty writing and to hear how mick and Molly are getting along. I miss it. I miss you all.
But here I am again at a cross roads. The path does not matter much, suffice to say it has been long and very windy. My (nearly) exhusband and I have been officially separated for nearly 18 months and in the last few months we (Sir and I) have been seeing a lot of each other. Most weekends and a few weeks days. At first I was very sure that I was not ever going to introduce anyone to my children. That I would never move in with someone. That I would have a part of my life that was what it was and another part that was TTWD.
So it comes down to this.
I love him. With a fullness and hope and sweetness and terror that I cannot describe. I have tried hard to move around it. I have thought about not seeing Him although somewhere that stopped becoming an option. I am no longer terrorfilled with the prospect of Him arriving at my house, knowing it means for me pain and lust and fucking. The anxiety has shifted from being about the physical to the emotional.
It is strange. We had quiet times over the last few years where we went months without seeing each other but I knew He was there in the background. I knew if I called (and sometimes I did) that He would be there. The only safe space in the world for me to curl up and cry when everything became too much. If you read any of my other blogs, you would know that I loved Him, even then. This is different though. This is more.
Over and over in my head I have been trying to find the words to express what I want to say and they come but when He sits and looks at me, my head bows and my mouth becomes still and even my head on occasion becomes quiet. I know He knows. I know He has been sitting watching me squirm uncomfortably for weeks.
My favorite obsession at the moment is piercing. I did tell you we play harder than I initially stated. I will write about it at some point in time. Ropes and whips and paddles and canes, needles and stretching and fisting and gagging...somehow I want more. Right now I want these physical things to take me away from thinking. To stop my heart and brain from reacting. To be still. How could He leave me here today, like this. Today I can't be here alone and thinking. And that is why I am alone here thinking, I suppose.
If we move from where we are at now, we move not to things as they are but to M/s. Sir will no longer be Sir but Master. For those of you who don't know, that is a BIG FUCKING DEAL.
I feel like He is giving me everything and taking everything from me at the same time. My head is spinning and everything aches. I am so sleepy. I want to go for a massage but I don't feel able to leave the house. I want to cry. I want comfort. I want Him to tell me He loves me and that He will take care of me. I HATE saying the word Master. It feels awkward and uncomfortable.
After a quiet time where we had not seen each other for a few months I said that I wanted to leave the Sir/sub wording behind, that it felt redundant. We did, mostly, for a bit. Then there was this one moment one Saturday evening where we were fucking and He was slapping my face hard and I was crying and cumming. He said "I own you." and I said "yes." and he said "yes what?" and he was Sir but on a whole new level. He bent me over the bed and fucked my cunt and my arse over and over until I was screaming with the need to cum and He kept saying He was fucking His cunt and His arse. And He was.
I look at the thousand tiny things He has said and as new elements of submission descend on me I remember that as I have sucked his cock for the last three months, He has been saying "suck your Master's cock". I see all of these tiny pieces where I have been being trained, or perhaps rather have allowed myself to fall into submission and He has watched and waited.
I don't know if I can do this. I cannot think I would possibly be happier in a different relationship than this. I want it. I want it so much that I want it all yesterday but I don't understand how it will look, how I will cope in two years, in three years, in ten years. I don't know how it will look for my kids or for our kids if we have any. What happens in three years time if something I agreed to that was okay now, becomes not okay? What if it has a shelf life? What happens to me if He leaves?
This is different. This is a whole new ride. Master and pumpkin. I know on the one hand it is exactly what I have always, always wanted.
I don't know if I am enough.
I don't have the headspace to reread this or edit it. Sorry if it is disjointed.
Love to you all. I will be in and out again sporadically posting
as things come up. I have a feeling that at the moment I may be
posting a lot as I try and work through this.