So here I am quietly back from my week at the beach.
I have spent the morning washing, catching up on my favorite blogs and having coffee with friends.
I have to say I don't feel up to writing. I don't feel up to anything much. I am all melancholic and vague. Neither sit well with me.
I am tightly wound, inside myself, defensive. Interestingly I am not thinking too much. Usually I do but it seems to have left me somewhere, the thinking, analyzing thing. I am not sure where. I know at several points it has been forbidden. This cannot be the reason though. If it was I would know.
Yes, fwiw I do see the irony in analyzing the lack of analysis. You should understand though, at one point in time I would have been questioning everything inside out and back again; wondering where my crazy need to try and understand things has gone falls markedly short of true JaT analysis.
This is without the slightest hint at a shadow of doubt the worst, most enduring drop-through-the-epicenter-of-my-existence I have endured. I know it is bad because I made pizza dough last night and it didn't rise properly.
I don't need anything. I don't want anything. I don't want to talk with anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I want to sit by myself watching the trail of smoke spin webs through the air as it leaves my lungs. I want to keep everything to myself. I want to lie outside in the quiet at night, not sleeping. I don't want to think. I just want to be here, enjoying the nothing for what it is - temporary. I know it won't last long and as parts of me come creeping back (when they deem it is necessary to return) my thoughts will weave themselves into a fast swirly pattern and I will be dragged back down into reality, into thinking, into everything I strive to leave behind when I bow my head to have my collar buckled around my throat.
It doesn't suck. I don't hate it. It just is what it is. I am waiting it out. It is stalking me through my life, hunting me down, pouncing on me in waves. One of us will blink first and I am guessing it will be the drop - eventually.